september 29.

Oh, head full of thoughts and unstoppable scrawls - come back. Don't love me and then leave me in a mundane headspace. Not. Cool.

In an effort to fight it... This album.

Sounds like this and this. And a little of this too. Oh. Plus these ones (holy flip and maybe this as well.)

I don't believe in stealing. At least, not gum. Or banks. (As in from the banks. Not trying to cart off the ugly brick building itself in the quiet of night. It's been far too long since regular exercise for that kind of scheming.) However, I'm beginning to think that if stealing thoughts and perspectives, 'borrowing' the way someone can take an image or experience or moment and change it into something so sweet, so thick and so enticingly vivid - yeah, I'd take a crack at robbing that. I'd even spring for the balaclava if it was going to give me a higher success rate.

(Ok, even if you're too lazy to work your way through the 'this'es, make sure you at least listen to 'City Girl'. It's not instantly beautiful but has incredible longevity and the more you listen to it, the harder it is to stop. There's a story buried in here that's intriguing, and a feisty power when the chorus quite literally seems to kick in. And the lyrics.... ugh. No words. No words of my own, unfortunately.)

((Changed my mind. 'Horsehead' is the necessity.))

(((Or make my life a heck of a lot easier and just listen through. Everyone's so slack these days.)))

So, I feel like I'm beginning again. Or at least like I should be. It's been a solid ten months now since some of these people's whims walked into my head, sat down and propped up their feet, watching me with expectant, waiting eyes. And today was one of those times (that have happened before and will happen again, and again, and again and again and again) where all I want to do is find the most dramatic way possible to delete and then escape into already created worlds, taking solitude in the fact that someone else did it, so I don't have to. All I wanted was to curl up on the couch with a family size chocolate slab and the best season of Grey's, forgetting about anything else.

But. The almighty 'and then'.

I'll censor it for civil purposes, but in the words of an unexpected source, '**** Greys.' And then he proceeded to tell me that nothing that comes to us easy is of any worth. Nothing that comes without a fight is held close. Nothing we value comes without challenges.

How can I forget that so easily? How can I learn it over and over again and then be so quick to just be ready to be done with it (at least temporarily) the minute it wasn't 'flowing' and it needs work and logic and consideration and time?

This isn't just this one script. This isn't the one story. This is life. This is one in a series of events and choices and opportunities and moments. We take them or we leave them. We choose to engage or we choose to remain apathetic. Everything comes down to choice and choice is in turn defined by attitude and attitude, then, is the result of what we're living for.

And it's that simple. That simple and at the same time, an idea that I'm sure will take my entire length of existence here to begin to understand.

And so. I sit here. Tired and doubtful and still trying to ignore that little whisper going 'no DON'T **** Grey's. It's much, much easier'. Yes, all of that.

But I'm present. And sometimes, I think that's all we're expected to be. (And then there's space for the 'and then', so incredibly beyond anything we could hope for ourselves.)